Confessions of Childerbert Ingoberger - Session 59

 The following is an IC summary written by Bert's player. The usual disclaimer about the intelligibility of Childerbert's regional accent applies; blame his player, not me :)

 As usual, I am giving +1 CP for those players that submit a summary for me to post here on the blog.

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 So, arfter the slaughter underground wi’ th’obbnobs, Oi went back to the inn, and set meesel’ to thinking an’ drinkin’: was this what young Bert ‘ad signed up fer?  Relentless slaughter of breathing thinking things as if they was no more’n meat on a slab: Miaowee were like Reynard in the coup.

 So, wi’ drinking and thinking, oi slept through, an’ missed the company returning to the caves on some fool mission to slaughter Urks.  Urksome so they is, but killing ‘em an’ taking ‘eads is ‘nother thing entirely: so Oi missed the Urk slaying, an’ oi b’ain’t too sad to ‘ave missed that: but Oi did miss my friends an’ worry so fer them. An oi missed the tunnels, loike a cony out o’ warren.  An’ Oi am sure they missed ol’ Bert.

 Oi was glad when they returned: so glad Oi swapped my silver sparkle  bracelet wi’ the landlord of the tavern, and got us the company free drinks fer the night, an’ much o the bar.  Oi told folks straight: we’re ‘ere to find knickermancers, by the Lady.  Now, I don’t ‘old wi being preachy or nought, but what’s good wi’ the Lady is good an’ what b’ain’t b’ain’t and what bain’t good is like a rotted brock in a rhine.  What’s dead is dead and dead will live through life but can’t if t’is undead: that’s what Oi reckon.  Coney can’t swive wi’out ‘is skin.  That’s why we’re on to stop knickermancy. 

 So, what oi said wuz Oi says we should do wha’ we said, an’ we said knickermancy an so oi says we look fer knickermancers firsts and foremosts, is what Oi say, Oi said.  So what Oi said is says me an’ Llandor goes lookin’ in the valley again, and Ioi says we sees if knickermancers is where they says they is, so we can go get them: I said.

 So, that’s what we did: me an’ the silent elf slinked orff back to the valley, while Darvin chuttered about book larnin’ and Miaowee bought drinks an’ recruited fighters.  Oi reckoned this would be easier wi’out the impetuous killers: Oi mean, Llandour is stone cold, but ‘ee kills wi’out compunction rather than wi’ ‘is tail up loike the cat.

 Now, blows moi I’n the Elf didn’t manage to get us lorst.  Well, no matter, says oi, we’ll just sit for third breakfast, an woi’ll fin oir woi, loike.  Now, as we comes up to the caves, ol’ Llandour, he starts waving at moi, an’ so oi waves barck.  Now, ‘ee get’s all frantic, loike, loike Oi was misunderstanding ‘im, an’ then oi looks down: just as this great rat the size o’ a cow, jus’ taking a bite out o’ moi leg.  Oi let’s out a great yip, an’ scares it so, an before either o’ us could blink, Oi’d snatched down, and grabbed it boi its tail.  Well, b’ain’t proud to say a nipped Childerbert gets radgey wi’ the rat, and Oi starts to bash it on the floor boi its tail till it wuz all bloody and squealing its death.  Cony b’ain’t rat, nor rat b’ain’t brock, but it still has skin an tail: an’ there were blood all o’er the stone.

 The Lady e’en ‘as ‘er use o’ rats, but don’t mind if yoi mind ‘em, an’ biting Childererts b’ain’t what she loikes.

 Well, if this’n weren’t a fortell, wi moi stinky o’ rat, woi crept inter the valley, loike, bolder’n brass, woi mades our way right to the cliff end, an’ found evil trees, midden an caves.  We mapped out the ‘ole o’ the valley, till we came to this one cave, see, an Oi says to myself: that cave b’ain’t no good, the Lady bain’t there, and she’d mind it much.  Oi says, Oi said.  There was this foul stench, o’ summat rottener ‘n rotten.  Oi reckons woi’s found the knickermancers, say oi to moiself, all in moi moind, loike, as we were being so slinky so.

 Well, so.  Woi came back, an’ told the others about it, and Darvin and Miaowee an’ this Urkish lass who seems to ‘ave joined our band all had their twopenneth, but in the end, they all agreed wi’ young Childerbert: evil trees an’ a stinky ‘ole means knickermancers.

 So, off they go,.  Wi’out moi.  Oi slept in, again.  Oi just seem to have poor connection with this broad band of adventurers, an’ mebbe some sort of virus mekking moi sleepy loike.

 Well, when Oi awoke, Oi runs orff after ‘em, an’ find they’s gone down the ‘ole.  Screwing up moi courage, Oi launched off inter the dark.  Well, there before moi, Oi could see a loight, an’ Oi thinks to moiself: that could be them, or could e others, so’s Oi’d best slink up unsparkle, like, an if it’s them, Oi joins ‘em, else Oi find out something t’oir ‘vantage.  Well, turns out it was moi companions, an’ the were so pleased to see moi, an’ Oi gets straight back to work, leading them down the tunnels.

 Of course, Miaow can’t wait, and she launch ahead, springing up a response from the most repugnant things Oi’ve ever seen.  Somebodies, reckon Oi ‘eard Darvin calls ‘em.  They was dead but moving, loike.  Malicious intent on their faces.  Well, Oi runs back round the corner to tells the rest where they wuz, while Miaowee sets to work o’ her, literally in this case, butchery.

 Now, as Oi’d decided to travel loight, Oi was able to skittish more in the battle, an’ oi ran roun’behin’ the somebodies: an’ oi were able to send one arse o’er tit inter ‘is companions when he couldn’t see moi, roiht: like Oi’s done in pub brawls since ever. Oi’ve the knockdown knack, ‘s what moi uncle from up north used to say.  With moi ‘elp the rest of ‘em polished off the somebodies.

 Oi set to looking at the cave: and b’ain’t no cav set boi the Lady, that’s for sure.  Hewn, and striated: reckon that’s the word.  All layers of black an’ red rock, loike OI bain’t not never seen ‘fore no place.

 Onwards we goes, an’ for all the talk ‘fore o’ us workin’ professional an in good order, loike, there was jostling, pushing an’ the loike to go first into the next door, where we saw some loight.  A bunch of kids working that way when borrowing from big ‘ouses wouldn’t last long behaving in that way.

 So’s Darvin, as ‘ee ‘splained later, sent in a lusion, which the Urky bird followed, an’ low she were attacked an’ not the lusion.  Well, suffice to say, Oi didn’ see what ‘appened, as the rest burst into the room, but by the toime Oi’d made moi way in, two folks in fancy dan robes were on their knees, an’ two more lay dead loike.  Knickermancers, if you please.

 Well, we set t interrogatin’ ‘em, an they was loike a scared cony in ‘is skin: wouldn’t say a word.  Oi was ‘feared that Miaowee an’ Whyfore would as like slay ‘em: thoi seemed to ‘ave dead fierce nark on wi’ knickermancers.  Now, Oi’ve no truck wi’ knickermancy, bu’ there’s a limit, yoi ken.  ‘Ittin an’ killing defenceless folk, well, Oi mean.  So, Oi’s reckoned they would talk if we split them up, an’ promised freedom from death an’ knickermancy.  That seemed to do the trick, after Miaow’s threats an’ Darvins philosophising.

 All sorts o’ stuff about law an’ waffle, but what’s oi’s reckons is the Lady mind’s knickermancy, but she don’t mind knickermancers, they’re conies as much as conies is when the warren’s said an’ done.  Nooses an’ chains b’ain’t o’ the Lady any nor knickermancy.  Oi’ll make sure we keeps our word, an’ the knickermancer girl won’t die, sure as moi name is Ingoberger.  Miaowee ‘ad already run t’other through, sayin’ ‘ee’d tried to run away.  Oi believe ‘er.