Confessions of Childerbert Ingoberger - Session 72
The following account is by Bert; an IC summary of the last session. I give +1 character point (XP) for those players who submit a summary for me to post here on the blog. This session was played 2020/07/09.
The usual disclaimer about the intelligibility of Bert's regional accent applies.
The usual disclaimer about the intelligibility of Bert's regional accent applies.
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The Ongoing confessions of the dreaded Ingoberger
So, woi came art o’ the forresty warld, an’ inter scrub country, the trees thinner by the yard. Than thar war road ‘gain, and woi began ter parss through farmin’ larnd. Boi moi reckonin’ woi’d made it ter the Baloney of Norrold, an’ Darvin pointed art tha’ up ‘head were the town o’ Looknow. Now, as woi road up, these gezers in armour and fighty form came oot on their nags, all dressed in scunnery armour, looking all raggedy baggy loike: thoi was loike bucks facing dahn the weasel i’ the warren. “’Alt yeeseln,” thoi croid, loike, “Woi, be the men o’ the baloney an’ ye bain’t not takin’ no weapons inter Looknow, none: an’ ye’ll be poiying tarxes o’ the road on ye goods an’ magicky whatnots” – that’s what thoi said, ter a word. Now, Oi recognise a shakedown wha Oi sees one, an’ taxis is just borrowing when done boi the aristos, but whan ye’re shaken darn, yer shaken darn.
Well, Miaowee, shoi don’t foight no Baloney men, shoi’s ‘opes o’ the aristo taxi shakedown ‘erself one day, reckon, so shoi’s loike “Ooh, yessir, marster taxi gaffer, woi’ll poi loike: (which she does, kind o’ ‘er). But shoi gets a writte note o’ the taxi taken: a record o’ highway robbery coz a Baloney reckon the road belong ter ‘im. So, shoi gave the shiney, an’ woi went ter the gate.
Miaowee got all radgee, loike, wi’ gadgee at the gate, ‘oo didn’ call ‘er Malady, an’ shoi said shoi’d warnt apology or sartisfarction. Now, woi all left our kit a’ the gate: including moi sling stones, which warn’t no prolem fer moi, coz oi can ‘andle moisel’ i’ the tarn wi’out all the smitey, bu’ oi ‘ope ‘tian’t bain’t not being a problem none fer the loike’s o’ Moo, Miaowee an’ ‘Eavehoe: an’ much as tha Baloney folk don’t loike margick in Looknow, Darvin and Madam still ‘ad their sticks ter do thar spookery.
Gadgee at the gate telt us the Three Stooges war a goodly Inn, so woi want thar: an oi paid fer a room an’ meals fer’s all. While Miaowee an’ Eavehoe went ter foind the sherrif ter complain. The ale were good, an’ oi held forth wi’ moi knowledge o’ the brewin’: Moi ol’ Garffer were inter the ol’ brewing, an’ the things ‘ee added ter beer ter make make I’ taste’d make thy ‘air curl, till tha tasted i’ an i’ turned out so good: ravens droppings being one thing, made I’ sharp and zesty, loike. Toe nails, too. Oi also mentioned maggoty cheese, which is both tasty an’ crunchy, loike: ‘specially Stinking High Priest.
So, folks were all o’ the lug ‘ole fer moi, listening rapt term oi talks o’ beer an’ taverns. Oi wuz talkin’ o’ the Drum an’ Manky, back in Fessio ‘a’ the great beers thar, whan Madam started started joshing, makin’ oot loike oi wuz Loiying, now, oi’m as honest as ‘oi’m long, an’ in moi trade as Locksmith any sniff oi’ not bein’ a straight feller be loike a Reynard I’ the warren. “Oi bain’t not no lawyer,” said Oi.
Obviously, shoi war jus’ joshin’ an’ makin’ the craic, but If’n she bain’t not one nor t’other o’ the party oi’d lief as no’ biffed her muzzle fer ‘er fer sayin’ oi’m a lawyer, loike. But this did confuse the barkeep, ‘ee starts lookin’ at moi loike oi’m a creep, oi’m a weirdo, what the hell am oi doing here? Oi don’t belong ‘here, so’s Oi made moi moind ter spend generous a’ the bar.
But ‘ee starts o’ asking me ‘bout the Drum an’ Manky, loike ‘ee reckon ‘twouldn’t exist: What’s o’ te soign? Says ‘ee, woll, Oi assume a manky, but oi’ve no oidea whaat a Manky ‘is, an’ best as Oi can recall (Oi’d often’ve’ad a skinful boi the toime oi made the manky), ‘twas some sort of soldier.
Anywoi, ‘twas than tha’ Darvin’ caught a young dipper at ‘is trade. Now, Madam, Eaveho an’ Moo all started ter make a fuss o’ the wee thing. Oi kept moi oise oot ‘case dipper warn’t working ‘lone, if’n’s bad enough ter get caught loike as not ‘ees the distraction fer the real thief. Now oi carn’t abides thievery, takin’ stuff ter keep bain’t roight: but the Innkeeper were fer ‘aving the lad, Mackel ‘is name were, oo’d clearly no’ been in the thieving field long, all whipped, loike. Now, oi think mercy is a foine trait, an’ ‘ee warn’t none ter know no’ ‘ow gainst thievery, seein’ as ‘ee war ‘ungry loike. The hungry mun feed, so sayeth the Lady, loike.
Whyfore started ter arsk ‘im all sorts o’ questions, turned oot ee were some sort o’ orphan, which ‘tis a pity, an’ ‘ee should be on the parrish. But than Whyfore started ter arske if’n bairn bain’t wi’ someone o’ the thievy woi, an’ oi says: thoi bain’t not no safe questions, none: if’n the lad ‘ad complishes or if’n ‘ee war marked as a grass (much less woi wuz marked as nosey narks) ‘is loife wouldn’t be worth no farthin’ ter the guild (if’n be one, or a gang at least).
Oi decided ter start buying beers fer loikely lads, an’ asking if twas a safe tahn wi’out guild: an’ drunken sot oi talked ter reckont ‘twarn’t none but the Baloney guard themselves ‘oo kept all safe. Oi troid a talk o’ punishment, folk love the gruesome ways that ‘appen out marcher ways, but round ‘ere tis just the short drop an’ sudden stop. Useful ter know.
Oi sayed if’n woi warnt ter talk, woi should do so in oor room. Miaowee an’ Whyfore reckon twas odd tha’ Baloney guards war charging road taxi an’ shakedown: oi reckont twas a case o’ the ‘ills being ‘igh an’ the Emperor is far away: bu’ in the end all’s decided woi needed ter broaden Mackle’s field o’ loife. Woi all agreed orphans shouldn’t boi dippin’ none, an’ so woi should go look fer ‘im, ter tek ter some sort o’ ‘phannage.
Miaowee thought o’ talkin’ ter the mare, bu’ woi’d boi leavin’ first thing o’ morning.
Woi agreed ter split up* ter look through the street’s fer Mackel. Oi’d go on moi own an’ look in loikely places. Moo an’ Darvin would look elseplace, whoile Miaowee an’ Whyfore’d walk the main street so’s woi’d know whar ter foind tham if’n ought went wrong.
Oi mean, unarmed in a strange tahn, what could possibly go wrong? Woi left our healer wi’ Jenkin’s an’ Madam I’ the Inn.
Oi ‘opes woi find the lad, ‘ee needs tellin’ straight ‘ow ter borrow proper whan yer hungry, an’ the ways the Lady will allow. Oi look forward ter talkin’ ter ‘im if’n ‘ee comes wi’s.
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*Yes, we’re splitting the party. Yes. We’ve split the unarmed party. It was my suggestion. [Evil B.].
Well, Miaowee, shoi don’t foight no Baloney men, shoi’s ‘opes o’ the aristo taxi shakedown ‘erself one day, reckon, so shoi’s loike “Ooh, yessir, marster taxi gaffer, woi’ll poi loike: (which she does, kind o’ ‘er). But shoi gets a writte note o’ the taxi taken: a record o’ highway robbery coz a Baloney reckon the road belong ter ‘im. So, shoi gave the shiney, an’ woi went ter the gate.
Miaowee got all radgee, loike, wi’ gadgee at the gate, ‘oo didn’ call ‘er Malady, an’ shoi said shoi’d warnt apology or sartisfarction. Now, woi all left our kit a’ the gate: including moi sling stones, which warn’t no prolem fer moi, coz oi can ‘andle moisel’ i’ the tarn wi’out all the smitey, bu’ oi ‘ope ‘tian’t bain’t not being a problem none fer the loike’s o’ Moo, Miaowee an’ ‘Eavehoe: an’ much as tha Baloney folk don’t loike margick in Looknow, Darvin and Madam still ‘ad their sticks ter do thar spookery.
Gadgee at the gate telt us the Three Stooges war a goodly Inn, so woi want thar: an oi paid fer a room an’ meals fer’s all. While Miaowee an’ Eavehoe went ter foind the sherrif ter complain. The ale were good, an’ oi held forth wi’ moi knowledge o’ the brewin’: Moi ol’ Garffer were inter the ol’ brewing, an’ the things ‘ee added ter beer ter make make I’ taste’d make thy ‘air curl, till tha tasted i’ an i’ turned out so good: ravens droppings being one thing, made I’ sharp and zesty, loike. Toe nails, too. Oi also mentioned maggoty cheese, which is both tasty an’ crunchy, loike: ‘specially Stinking High Priest.
So, folks were all o’ the lug ‘ole fer moi, listening rapt term oi talks o’ beer an’ taverns. Oi wuz talkin’ o’ the Drum an’ Manky, back in Fessio ‘a’ the great beers thar, whan Madam started started joshing, makin’ oot loike oi wuz Loiying, now, oi’m as honest as ‘oi’m long, an’ in moi trade as Locksmith any sniff oi’ not bein’ a straight feller be loike a Reynard I’ the warren. “Oi bain’t not no lawyer,” said Oi.
Obviously, shoi war jus’ joshin’ an’ makin’ the craic, but If’n she bain’t not one nor t’other o’ the party oi’d lief as no’ biffed her muzzle fer ‘er fer sayin’ oi’m a lawyer, loike. But this did confuse the barkeep, ‘ee starts lookin’ at moi loike oi’m a creep, oi’m a weirdo, what the hell am oi doing here? Oi don’t belong ‘here, so’s Oi made moi moind ter spend generous a’ the bar.
But ‘ee starts o’ asking me ‘bout the Drum an’ Manky, loike ‘ee reckon ‘twouldn’t exist: What’s o’ te soign? Says ‘ee, woll, Oi assume a manky, but oi’ve no oidea whaat a Manky ‘is, an’ best as Oi can recall (Oi’d often’ve’ad a skinful boi the toime oi made the manky), ‘twas some sort of soldier.
Anywoi, ‘twas than tha’ Darvin’ caught a young dipper at ‘is trade. Now, Madam, Eaveho an’ Moo all started ter make a fuss o’ the wee thing. Oi kept moi oise oot ‘case dipper warn’t working ‘lone, if’n’s bad enough ter get caught loike as not ‘ees the distraction fer the real thief. Now oi carn’t abides thievery, takin’ stuff ter keep bain’t roight: but the Innkeeper were fer ‘aving the lad, Mackel ‘is name were, oo’d clearly no’ been in the thieving field long, all whipped, loike. Now, oi think mercy is a foine trait, an’ ‘ee warn’t none ter know no’ ‘ow gainst thievery, seein’ as ‘ee war ‘ungry loike. The hungry mun feed, so sayeth the Lady, loike.
Whyfore started ter arsk ‘im all sorts o’ questions, turned oot ee were some sort o’ orphan, which ‘tis a pity, an’ ‘ee should be on the parrish. But than Whyfore started ter arske if’n bairn bain’t wi’ someone o’ the thievy woi, an’ oi says: thoi bain’t not no safe questions, none: if’n the lad ‘ad complishes or if’n ‘ee war marked as a grass (much less woi wuz marked as nosey narks) ‘is loife wouldn’t be worth no farthin’ ter the guild (if’n be one, or a gang at least).
Oi decided ter start buying beers fer loikely lads, an’ asking if twas a safe tahn wi’out guild: an’ drunken sot oi talked ter reckont ‘twarn’t none but the Baloney guard themselves ‘oo kept all safe. Oi troid a talk o’ punishment, folk love the gruesome ways that ‘appen out marcher ways, but round ‘ere tis just the short drop an’ sudden stop. Useful ter know.
Oi sayed if’n woi warnt ter talk, woi should do so in oor room. Miaowee an’ Whyfore reckon twas odd tha’ Baloney guards war charging road taxi an’ shakedown: oi reckont twas a case o’ the ‘ills being ‘igh an’ the Emperor is far away: bu’ in the end all’s decided woi needed ter broaden Mackle’s field o’ loife. Woi all agreed orphans shouldn’t boi dippin’ none, an’ so woi should go look fer ‘im, ter tek ter some sort o’ ‘phannage.
Miaowee thought o’ talkin’ ter the mare, bu’ woi’d boi leavin’ first thing o’ morning.
Woi agreed ter split up* ter look through the street’s fer Mackel. Oi’d go on moi own an’ look in loikely places. Moo an’ Darvin would look elseplace, whoile Miaowee an’ Whyfore’d walk the main street so’s woi’d know whar ter foind tham if’n ought went wrong.
Oi mean, unarmed in a strange tahn, what could possibly go wrong? Woi left our healer wi’ Jenkin’s an’ Madam I’ the Inn.
Oi ‘opes woi find the lad, ‘ee needs tellin’ straight ‘ow ter borrow proper whan yer hungry, an’ the ways the Lady will allow. Oi look forward ter talkin’ ter ‘im if’n ‘ee comes wi’s.
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*Yes, we’re splitting the party. Yes. We’ve split the unarmed party. It was my suggestion. [Evil B.].
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